Today’s your lucky day, kid. I’m you from the future. I traveled back to 1955 to give you this sports almanac. It lists all the biggest sports events from now to the end of the century. All you have to do is bet on the winner, and you’ll never lose.
You’re the fifth “me” I’ve visited. I guess sports have changed between 1955 and the twenty-first century, because after the others read a few pages of the almanac, they threw it in my face and called me a “psycho.” One of them called the cops. Another got our dad, who pulled out his shotgun and called me a “dirty red.” So this time, I’m explaining a few things so you don’t freak out.
For starters, horse racing is no longer the biggest thing in America. Yes, “seriously.” I know right now it’s as big as baseball, but in the future most Americans just care about the Kentucky Derby, and only because it involves day drinking. The few people who regularly watch horse races anymore are white folks looking for an excuse to cosplay the Jim Crow–era South, millionaires who broker in horse semen, and degenerate gamblers.
Boxing’s also fallen out of the top five. It peaks in 1971 with a fight at the Garden watched by three hundred million people who pretended it was about the Vietnam War, which is a thing you should forget I mentioned. Don’t worry about it.
After that, boxing spends the next fifty years in a slow free fall until the only regular spectators left are subscribers to Cigar Aficionado, men who wear tuxedos to sports events, and degenerate gamblers.
The number one sport in the country is football—by a lot. I know, it’s barely on TV right now, but in my time, it’s pretty much the only television people still watch. It takes off when the NFL begins airing games on Sundays, only slowing down briefly after the Blues Brothers performed during halftime at the Super Bowl.
Take a breath for this next part: The most popular football team is no longer the Cleveland Browns. No, I haven’t smoked a “jazz cigarette.” On the other hand, the league’s biggest stars are still the quarterbacks. Yes, the players who don’t have to run, tackle, be tackled, or even pass all the time. It’s true. Well, technically, the most famous player was a running back, but he was better known for a double homicide. Don’t worry about it.
The game itself is basically the same. Sure, the goalposts have moved, there’s more passing, and science has shown that the sport causes brain damage, but at least there are still cheerleaders!
After football, the second biggest sport is basketball, which you probably don’t know much about since the NBA is only about six years old. I know you think basketball is boring in 1955. Trust me, it gets a lot more exciting after they add innovations like the shot clock and players other than white men from Amish Country.
Then basketball blows up in the ’80s, and in the ’90s an NBA player becomes so famous he acts in a movie with Bugs Bunny. Yes, literally.
No, cartoon characters don’t come to life in the future. The point is, basketball is now a cultural phenomenon. And not just the NBA. Women’s basketball gets really big. This is the point where our 1955 dad called me a “dirty red.”
You’ll be happy to learn that baseball is still popular, especially when everyone starts hitting more home runs after injecting a variety of super-drugs into their asses. Yes, that sounds weird and gross, but it was just the baseball players. And the professional wrestlers. And the entire Tour de France. And… um… Russia.
I don’t like how this next part keeps freaking younger me out, but in the future, Jews are allowed to play golf.
That about covers it. I don’t have time to get into the two-point conversion, Tonya Harding, the Munich Olympics, or the “Super Bowl Shuffle.” But you can’t bet on stuff like that anyway. At least not until the prediction markets that ultimately destroy the global economy. Don’t worry about it.
Good luck, kid. Not that you’ll need it. And if all these crazy changes are too much to keep track of, just remember one thing: When in doubt, always bet against the Mets.