The former anchorwoman accused the Cash Craze machine of being rigged against her and “riddled with fraud.”
Humor / Satire from The Borowitz Report
The Twitter C.E.O. wrested the title from Donald J. Trump, who had won the honor every year from 2016 to 2021.
Lake was locked in a fierce struggle with a rival identified by several onlookers as her nine-year-old niece Paisley.
“I didn’t think it was very smart to be wearing white to dinner with me,” the former President said. “When I eat, a lot of ketchup goes flying.”
Neo-Nazis complained that the restaurant had “slow service,” “drab décor,” and “too many ethnic dishes.”
“I haven’t read the Constitution, but, from what I’ve been told, most of it is a waste of paper, quite frankly.”
“They’re going to count up all the votes and, shazam, whoever got more votes is the winner,” the Republican Senate candidate said. “How is that fair?”
“No one thought I would win this, but together we made it happen!” the former anchorwoman declared.
The eighteenth-century document was reportedly found under a stack of hastily packed items, including several pairs of socks and the Oval Office’s television remote.
In interviews from coast to coast, citizens expressed a combination of puzzlement and disbelief at the bombshell revelation.