“For years, time travel was the stuff of science fiction,” the newly elected Speaker said. “Now, as I take this majestic nation back four hundred years, I will make that dream a reality.”
Humor
The New York representative told his colleagues, “I would be embarrassed to use any credit card with Jim Jordan’s name on it.”
Jordan’s inability to engineer an exit from his own rest room raised fresh questions about his fitness to be Speaker.
“This is gonna be dope,” he said.
He also expressed “deep regret” for checking into the Bellagio Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas last weekend under the name Marjorie Taylor Greene.
“I’m not a paranoid person,” a QAnon spokesman said, “but it almost seems like a conspiracy.”
“Colleagues have declared that, if they are required to sit next to Matt, they will retire from politics instead,” one legislator said.
“If I had learned to defraud banks, my post-Trump University career would have played out very differently,” Tracy Klugian, class of 2006, said.
The visibly seething mogul revealed that he phoned his son Lachlan late last night and “tore him a new one.”
The Ukrainian President warned that an escalation in the fighting in Washington could spread to neighboring regions such as Maryland and Virginia.