Ron DeSantis’s Fourth of July Party Prep List

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/ron-desantiss-fourth-of-july-party-prep-list
Created
Fri, 30/06/2023 - 03:00
Updated
Fri, 30/06/2023 - 03:00

June 15-22

  • Order fireworks from AmericanMadeFireWorks.com
  • Screen bakeries to find one that hasn’t made cakes for gay weddings, Disney princess-themed parties, birthdays held at woke public schools, Disney Strange World-themed parties, gender reveal celebrations, parties for people who have been to Disney World, retirement parties for DEI trainers, or for Disney President Bob Iger
  • Call Eduardo and crew to schedule extra landscaping for July 2

June 23-30

  • Open fireworks from AmericanMadeFireWorks.com. Sharpie over “Made in China”
  • Make invitation list from secret donors file of dear family friends
  • Screen bands to find one that hasn’t played gay weddings, concerts held at woke universities, bar mitzvahs, Juneteenth parties, quinceañeras, Gay Pride events, any event that has served Bud Light, or for Disney President Bob Iger
  • Sign band. Include in contract that band is forbidden to play the verse in “This Land Is Your Land” about soup kitchens, the Jimi Hendrix version of Star Spangled Banner, and any songs by the band named “Queen”
  • Go to ATM so can pay Eduardo and crew in cash

July 1

  • Pre-order ribs, cole slaw, etc. catered by Willy’s Soul Food Express
  • Order cake from bakery for Uncle Sam impersonator to pop out on July 4. Vanilla only
  • Screen Uncle Sam impersonator to make sure he hasn’t ever dressed in drag, been a woman, or professionally impersonated Disney President Bob Iger
  • Clear side yard, backyard to be ready for Eduardo and crew

July 2

  • Pick up paper plates, cups, etc. from any supermarket that is not Target
  • Check children’s rooms to make sure they don’t have woke material, such as How to Be a (Young) Antiracist by Ibram Kendi; The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas; or The Ride of a Lifetime: Lessons Learned from 15 Years as CEO of the Walt Disney Company by Bob Iger
  • Eduardo and crew workday; stay inside to avoid lawn tractor noise, allergies from weeding/mowing, and any possible human contact

July 3

  • Set out tables and chairs
  • Print out Declaration of Independence for reading out loud, edit to eliminate woke references to “slavery,” “equality,” and “happiness.” Also, replace any mentions of “George III” with “Disney President Bob Iger”
  • Call INS to deport Eduardo’s crew

July 4

  • Put food from Willy’s Soul Food Express out on tables. On packaging, sharpie over “Soul”
  • Greet guests; make sure none of them is Disney President Bob Iger Eduardo
  • Call INS to deport Eduardo Disney President Bob Iger
  • Enjoy the Fourth!