Hello, I’m currently searching for a chastity belt. Not for purity or protection but for one purpose only: locking up my optimism so it never sees the light of day again. Ever. As a thirty-three-year-old Black woman, my optimism has the nerve to keep hanging around, “trying to find the good in ALL people,” defying every harsh truth that should have killed it off long ago. In fact, it’s still here, rearing its head with messages of “justice prevailing” and “light at the end of the tunnel.” The thing won’t die, so I need it restrained.
Required Specifications
Impenetrable, Ideally with the Force of History
Give me your tungsten, your steel. Your titanium forged to suppress and control. The kind that can survive one or several terms of a Trump presidency and come out the other end with an unwavering grip. Optimism in this world can grow like weeds, and mine goes rampant at the slightest whiff of change in the air. I want a belt that’s so locked down that not even sweet nothings about “the arc of justice” can penetrate.
Air-Tight, Resistant to All Positivity
Optimism is sneaky, capable of slipping through even the smallest crack if it catches a hint of feel-good rhetoric or sees wearable symbols of democratic solidarity like pussy hats or the latest: “blue bracelets.” This chastity belt needs to be fully sealed, with no chance of catching wind of “safe spaces” or land acknowledgments at weddings. If it could withstand the blows of performative curiosity and listening at dinner parties, that would be ideal.
Rust-Resistant, Built to Last
I need a model that can handle repeated exposure to progress. Optimism, especially my brand of Black woman optimism, is resilient to a fault, so I want a chastity belt built to outlast the most seductive of delusions. No ramshackle contraption for my optimism-constraining chastity belt. No, I want one that won’t start to crack when the pots and pans start banging it with #StrongerTogether, a place at the table or chants of “breaking glass ceilings.”
Rigid and Uncomfortable, on Purpose
My optimism starts to relax and spread at trending platitudes. Think: “I want to understand better,” “equity,” and “I’m here to listen.” The chastity belt I’m looking for provides regular chafing and pinching, especially when phrases like “building bridges” or “I’m with her" come out to play.
Someone to Throw Away the Key
Finally, if you’re the type to have a chastity belt, I’m thinking you probably have a girlfriend or wife on hand to lock it shut for good? Ideally, you’ve got a woman who lacks solidarity and is easily swayed by the seduction of power. I’m talking about a “Real woman,” the kind who gets “bored” by talk of challenging the status quo. The kind who is gonna look the other way, who has no sleeves to roll up. To cut to the point, if she has a “Focus on the Real Issues” stance on politics, she’s my knight in shining armor.
Terms and Payment
If you know of a model that’s sturdy enough to silence a Black woman’s hope, send me the details. I’ll pay in tears, plus whatever fragments of patience and energy I’ve got left.