The goal of any author isn’t to write the next great American novel or take home a Pulitzer Prize—it’s for Nicole Kidman to turn their book into a hit limited series. The literary industry lives or dies at the hands of actresses who, in the hopes of actually playing a three-dimensional character, option novels to create their own projects. While the marketing departments at publishing houses work tirelessly to get their books in front of actresses with book clubs and production companies, this effort should begin long before the printing presses are even running. If you’re serious about being a successful author, you should be pandering directly to Nicole Kidman from the second you first put pen to paper. Here are some tips to ensure success:
- The protagonist of your novel should be a woman that Nicole Kidman can see herself playing. Three-dimensional and interesting, of course, but more importantly, someone with a distinctive hairstyle that would require her to wear a wig. The character should also have an accent—ideally a non-Australian one, but with Australian influences that slip through every once in a while.
- Having been married to Tom Cruise, Nicole naturally has an affinity for stories where a woman has an absolutely terrible husband. So crafting a wealthy, philandering spouse should be a priority in your writing process.
- As for your book’s setting, this one is simple. The coast. Any coast—as long as there’s a shoreline to stare at wistfully, odds are good that a Zoom meeting with Nicole is in your future. If, for whatever reason, it doesn’t make sense to set your story at the beach, choose somewhere that would give the production a good tax break to film on location.
- Make sure to write compelling dialogue that doesn’t just sing on the page but would sing in a clip played at the Emmys. Remember, this is a tough category; Nicole will probably be up against Sarah Paulson.
- Actually, just write a supporting character in the book that Sarah Paulson can play. That way, Nicole won’t have to compete with her at the Emmys.
- On that note, the book should have a strong supporting cast all around. Make it an ensemble. Nicole won’t have time to be in every shot—she’s got six other miniseries to film simultaneously—so unburden her workload with plenty of chapters about peripheral characters.
- Give it legs! Your book can certainly have a solid conclusion but don’t rule out the possibility of extending it in case it ends up being a cash cow, and they want to make a second season. They won’t announce it until after the Emmys to avoid the category fraud allegations, but if things go well you can expect Nicole to come a-knocking, asking if you have any sequels up your sleeve.
- The plot should involve betrayal, infidelity, and murder within either a dysfunctional, wealthy family or a dysfunctional, wealthy, suburban community. A mystery should unfold episodically, and it’s for the best if it’s told nonlinearly. Don’t be afraid to jump around in the timeline. And definitely include loads of interrogation scenes—those are great for delivering exposition on screen.
- Your title should be three words, most of them adjectives, and mean nothing. Something like Small Beautiful Objects or Five Lingering Days.
- Now that you have all the pieces of the puzzle, the key is getting Nicole’s attention. You can throw a galley onstage at a Keith Urban concert, simply dedicate the book to her, or DM the entire novel to her on Instagram line by line, similar to how Charles Dickens and Louisa May Alcott published their books as serials. You can even try changing your name to Liane Moriarty to trick her. Do whatever you have to do to get her eyes on the book you wrote for her and only her.
Once Nicole inevitably scoops up the rights to your novel, you can enjoy your vanity producer credit, a trip to the Emmys, and millions of dollars in peace. When the show’s a hit, everybody will want to see what they changed from the source material, so they’ll rush to Hudson News to buy the paperback with the actors on it instead of the original cover art. Don’t expect any level of creative control with the show; that belongs to whatever streaming service Nicole sells it to. At the end of the day, this all boils down to one simple piece of writing advice as old as time: Start with Nicole Kidman’s Emmy acceptance speech and work backward.