1. Were Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein friends?
A. I don’t know.
B. If by “friends” you mean that the two men partied together at Mar-a-Lago, that they hung out repeatedly, that Trump called Jeff a “fun” and “terrific guy” who liked women “on the younger side” and compared himself to Epstein, and that Epstein said he was Donald’s “closest friend”, who he sent bawdy letters to on his 50th birthday—then, sure, I guess you could say they were friends.
C. Yes, but it was all part of President Trump’s secret superhero plan to infiltrate the Hillary-Obama-Oprah pedophile ring that was operating out of a pizza parlor basement in Washington, DC.
2. What do you know about Alex Acosta?
A. It is a popular tourist beach on the Algarve.
B. Donald Trump appointed Alex Acosta as secretary of labor in 2017, knowing that he was the man responsible for the plea deal that gave Epstein immunity from federal charges and let him walk free after serving only thirteen months in the private wing of a county jail.
C. I never heard of him. He’s never come up on Newsmax, Truth Social, or OANN, so he’s fake news and part of the Russia Hoax.
3. What has Donald Trump said about Ghislaine Maxwell?
A. Ghislaine who? Sounds like a Harry Potter villain.
B. After she was arrested on charges of child sex trafficking for her role in recruiting and grooming girls for Jeffrey Epstein, Trump repeatedly wished her well.
C. President Trump is a 5D chess player, and he’s just waiting for the exact right moment to reveal the whole truth and save the children. The reason he didn’t do it during his first presidency and still hasn’t done it well into his second will soon be known to all.
4. Who is Julie Brown?
A. Wasn’t she a VJ on MTV?
B. Julie Brown is the Miami Herald journalist whose three-part investigative series on Jeffrey Epstein finally led to federal authorities reopening his case. You could even say that an underpaid journalist from the mainstream media was responsible for bringing Epstein to justice after powerful men in positions of authority protected him. You could easily call Julie Brown the hero of this story, along with Epstein’s victims, who continued to speak out and seek justice.
C. The lamestream media is in on the secret pedophile ring that President Trump will soon expose. You’re going to feel so foolish when you find out the truth.
5. What are the “Epstein Files”?
A. A popular television show from the 1970s starring James Garner as private investigator Jim Rockford.
B. Multiple members of the Trump administration and inner circle repeatedly vowed to release the Epstein Files. They even posed for photo ops, carrying enormous binders labeled THE EPSTEIN FILES: PHASE 1. They promised explosive follow-ups, teasing their MAGA base, who still believe the QAnon lie that Trump is a hero mastermind. And yet, on July 7, Trump’s Justice Department announced that no additional files would be made public, while they just fired a federal prosecutor, who worked on the criminal cases against Epstein and Maxwell. It’s almost as if the truth has been staring us in the face all this time, but seventy-seven million Americans voted for Donald Trump anyway.
C. How dare Pam Bondi and Kash Patel hide the truth from the American public. There’s no possible way that President Trump is responsible for any of this, even though he appointed both of them.
6. What does Donald Trump want?
A. Not sure. I clocked out in 2015 when Trump descended that escalator and have been living in this yurt without internet access for the last nine years.
B. He wants everyone to stop talking about Jeffrey Epstein and now says the Epstein Files are a Democrat hoax that his “past,” “weakling” supporters have fallen for. We sure could use some old-timey heroes like Lieutenant Bob Hendley or Jim Rockford. Or maybe we could just value our real-life ones, like Julie Brown.
C. Jeffrey who? The entire foundation of President Trump’s support was not built on lies. He never bragged about sexual assault and appointed a series of accused rapists and abusers to positions of power. Laura Loomer and Elon Musk are antifa socialists. There’s no missing footage. Rosie O’Donnell should be tried for treason, and Adam Schiff should be prosecuted for mortgage fraud. Greenland will be the fifty-first state. Coca-Cola will start using cane sugar. All UFC fights will be held on the White House Lawn. Trump’s new perfume is tremendous. He will be on Mount Rushmore by this time next year. And Canada will also be the fifty-first state.
ANSWER KEY:
Mostly A’s: The harsh and at times dystopian reality in which we find ourselves can be overwhelming, and we understand the need to detach. On that note, do you happen to know of a reputable yurt realtor you can recommend?
Mostly B’s: Congratulations—you aced this quiz. That will have to be your consolation for living in the worst possible timeline.
Mostly C’s: The reason your daughter no longer talks to you is NOT because the Deep State got to her. We’d try to explain the truth to you, but you’ll never believe us, and honestly, it’s too exhausting whenever we try. You’ll just vote for Trump in 2028 anyway.