What he says: Thank god football’s back.
What he means: I miss my friends.
What he says: Can you believe Travis Kelce is going as late as the seventh round in a lot of leagues?
What he means: I’ve never been more anxious about the passage of time. I graduated from college ten years ago, yet it feels like yesterday, and I fear the next ten years will go by even faster.
What he says: I know I’m reaching for Lamar Jackson in the first round, but it’s worth it just for the excuse to watch him play every week.
What he means: I want to buy a motorcycle.
What he says: I’d rather have the tenth pick than the first pick.
What he means: My brain has been poisoned by a constant stream of content that mocks being interested or passionate in anything. I bought a film camera last summer and I’ve taken it outside twice. Not because I’m lazy. Not because life’s busy. But because I’m scared of strangers seeing me and thinking “Look at that hipster loser. He thinks he’s so artsy. I bet there’s not even any film in there. He just wants to impress girls.” I want to say therapy’s helping, but we talk about it every session, and I’ve still only taken like, ten pictures.
What he says: Jaydon Blue is this year’s sleeper pick. Just wait.
What he means: I want to ask my girlfriend to move in with me, but I’m scared she’ll think it’s too soon.
What he says: My buddies and I are all taking the Wonderlic Test to determine our draft order this year.
What he means: I thought my forties would be the worst years of my life, but they’ve honestly been the happiest.
What he says: Would it be weird to take Chubba Hubbard in the fifth round?
What he means: Is it possible to love your children but also regret having them?
What he says: I think Jayden Daniels is going to have a sophomore slump.
What he means: I got passed for a promotion last month and haven’t told anyone.
What he says: I don’t care if it’s in the final round, do not let me draft Kyle Pitts again.
What he means: I lost half my savings in Bitcoin, and I am forever haunted by this.
What he says: It’s risky, but I love having my QB and WR1 on the same team.
What he means: I lost half my savings in Bitcoin, and I’d do it again.
What he says: We should do a destination draft next year.
What he means: I don’t love my wife anymore.
What he says: I think Sam LaPorta will bounce back this year.
What he means: I love my wife more than ever before.
What he says: Wow, I can’t believe you’re drafting Dak Prescott again.
What he means: Our friendship is one of my life’s greatest joys. Your successes feel like my successes, and I’m constantly rooting for you. We may live on opposite coasts, but every time we chat, it feels like we’re back in that shitty apartment we shared on Grant Street. I love you.
What he says: This is the Lions’ year.
What he means: We should go fishing soon.
What he says: Watch me draft Aaron Rodgers.
.
What he means: My sister hasn’t spoken to me since the election.
What he says: Most fantasy experts have Tank Bigsby’s auction value at six dollars. That’s such a steal. He was quietly one of the most efficient rushers on a per-carry basis throughout the second half of last season—much greater than current starter Travis Etienne Jr.—and the Jaguars have since added the offensively minded Liam Coen as head coach and play caller. Rumors from training camp and early preseason performances suggest Bigsby could win the early down and goal-line roles. If he and the Jags offense improve throughout the season, he’s a league winner.
What he means: Last night, I ate an entire bag of peanut-butter-stuffed pretzels.
What he says: This season, whoever comes in last should run a marathon while wearing a shirt that says I SUCK AT FANTASY FOOTBALL.
What he means: I recently paid for Strava Premium.
What he says: The only thing better than Joe Burrow’s arm is his pregame fits.
What he means: I recently paid for Tinder Premium.
What he says: Would you rather take Drake London or A. J. Brown?
What he means: Do you think it would be stupid for me to quit my job and drive an ice-cream truck? I’m serious. I can’t spend my days staring at Google Docs anymore. I want to be part of my community. I want to use my hands. I want to look back on my career and think, I might not have had a corner office, but I made kids smile.
What he says: I just don’t think Christian McCaffrey is the alpha dog he used to be anymore.
What he means: My son beat me in one-on-one basketball last week. I pretended I wasn’t trying my hardest, but I was. I really was.
What he says: Josh Allen. Hell of a player.
What he means: Josh Allen. Hell of a player.