“[Secretary of War] Hegseth ordered a lethal attack but not the killing of survivors, officials say… Amid talk of war crimes, the details and precise sequence of a Sept. 2 attack on a boat in the Caribbean are facing intensifying scrutiny.” — New York Times
Can we all calm down for a minute? It appears my command to take no prisoners, exterminate all traces of life, and torch any semblance of international law has been misinterpreted. You shouldn’t rush to conclusions until you have all the facts.
Just because I said “Blow up the boat and everyone on it” doesn’t mean I literally wanted to do those things. Ever heard of a rhetorical device? The media can’t handle nuance or irony.
You have to understand, the Joint Chiefs of Staff are a lighthearted bunch. We joke around. We do bits. The Situation Room is DC’s Comedy Cellar. Everyone is cracking wise. So when you hear that I ordered an unprovoked attack based on dubious intelligence, you shouldn’t take anything out of context.
Intention is such a tricky concept. You say one thing to one person, then everyone else takes it and runs with it. When I bang my fist and shout “Kill the bastards” at the first Navy admiral I see, that could mean anything. You don’t know the kind of rapport we have.
Comedians use this language all the time. “I bombed last night.” “He got on stage and killed.” “Blow up a fishing boat to start a war so we can install a new regime and steal an entire nation’s oil reserves.” That’s how comedians speak.
I might be a Nazi-friendly talk-show host possessed by the ghost of John Barleycorn, but I still have a sense of humor. What’s not funny, though, is some pimply journalist trying to defame me by reporting my words verbatim.
This is classic cancel culture. A man can’t even cut loose with his friends anymore. All I did was comment on some nautical imagery after my sixth gin and tonic, and now they’re threatening to send me to the Hague.
Even if I did—allegedly—tell some admirals to rain death on a fishing boat, I’m sure they went through all the proper channels. That’s why we employ attorneys. They make sure that when we murder innocent people, we do it in a way that respects international law.
Besides, I went to Princeton. No one from Princeton could be evil.