Thank you for your interest in our funding opportunity. Please review our following updated guidelines before submitting your application.
Artist must be citizen of the US or its surrounding territories.
Artist must not be enrolled in a degree-granting institution at time of application.
Artist must have no more than two published full-length works prior to application, and no more than five real-life friends.
Artist must currently be suffering from spiraling intrusive thoughts.
Artist must have wept spontaneously and uncontrollably in the last twenty-four hours. (But not necessarily for the last twenty-four hours.)
Artist must have lived with their parents for an extended period as an adult. (Special consideration will be given to artists who have moved back home twice and are over the age of thirty.)
Artist must question the fabric of reality regularly, interjecting phrases like “Can you believe this?” or “What the hell is going on??” or “Not today, Satan.”
We welcome Artist-Parent applications. In the event of an Artist-Parent, the artist must have been told one, if not more, of the following at least once in the past month: “Stop ruining my life,” “I hate you,” or “You’re not my mother.”
Artist must be familiar with “eating their feelings.”
Artist must have been recently ghosted—by a lover, a family member, or a job opportunity.
Artist must have spent a minimum of two years temping in a corporate environment, unemployed, or daydreaming about commune life.
An artist must currently have a credit score of 630–679, or an SAT score equivalent. (Not math.)
Artist cannot have inherited property—or mental illness—from a deceased relative.
Artist must currently be on week three of an ancient grain diet.
Artist must have tried Whole30.
Artist must not have vision and dental, but can have vision or dental as long as the deductible is more than a monthly mortgage payment.
Artist must have a thirty-second elevator pitch.
Artist must currently be working on a piece that is at a significant point in development. Not too significant. Significant enough. The piece must have potential but not have realized that potential, so that said funds can maximize the potential potential. Piece must not be complete or near completion, but must be completed in the two-month window before the grant reporting deadline.
Artist cannot be sexually satisfied.
Artist’s annual income must be definitively lower than they thought possible to survive on.
Artist must currently reside in either Montgomery, Burlington, or Cambridge County, but NOT the west end of Montgomery County, unless it’s in the cul-de-sac at the end of Mercer Street across from the lake, but not blocking the driveway of #32.
Must have valid driver’s license.