“Hi, my name is [NAME], and I’m a constituent from [CITY, ZIP].”
Here, you will let out an extremely long, exasperated sigh. Really milk it, like you can’t even believe you have to make this call. Like, your reps should be doing something about stuff already, without you having to take time out of your busy day to tell them that you’re a voter who votes and will vote for somebody else if they don’t get off their ass already. You’ll vote for anybody, as long as it’s not them. Maybe you’ll even primary them yourself; that’s how deep and exasperated this sigh should be. You should sigh for about as long as it takes to read this entire paragraph. I should have warned you to take a really deep breath. If you’re light in the head or dizzy or your vision is going black or something, I’m sorry. If you’re done reading and also still conscious, you can move on to the next part of this script.
“I mean…”
You’re just going to let this sit for a while. Silence is a powerful weapon when making your voice heard. It’s almost as much about what you don’t say as what you do say. This allows your listener to fill in the blanks with their own information from their subconscious mind. When your rep starts filling things in with their own subconscious, they start using examples that actually mean something to them instead of just tuning you out and pretending to listen while thinking about the hot insider-trading tip they just got. If you say something out loud, you may accidentally mention one of the terrible things going on in the world that they agree with (or have received donations that force them to act like they agree with). After all, they didn’t become a member of Congress by not agreeing with / being paid to pretend they agree with at least a few terrible things. You don’t want to do that, because then they will dismiss you and your opinions (unless you have a lot of money to donate to them, but if that were the case, you wouldn’t need this script). Still, if you don’t say anything at all and just act pissed off, and like it’s obvious that they should know why you’re pissed off, they’re going to start thinking about all the bad things they know they should be doing something about, and then they’re going to start feeling bad. And that’s what we want, for them to feel bad.
“… come on.”
“Come on” is a real gut punch when dealing with the specific type of asshole who thinks they’re important enough to represent a whole constituency of varied individuals with vastly different needs. “Come on” implies that they know better, that they are better, and that they’re performing beneath their full capabilities. Are they actually “better” than their current performance would indicate? Of course not. If they were, we wouldn’t be making this call. What we’re doing here is activating their mommy or daddy issues and making them think long and hard about living up to the potential they believe they have because one of their parents planted it in their minds long ago as a way to make up for not living up to their own potential and passing that down to the next generation.
“I thank you for your time and for your service to the United States of America.”
It is important to practice your delivery of this line before making your call. You want to land in the sweet spot of sounding a little sarcastic but also somewhat sincere. Again, we want them to be questioning themselves, their motives, their actions, and most of the decisions they’ve made in their lives that lead them to this point. Try to channel that one friend you have who tells you that you can pull off wild outfits or accessories, and you believe them in the moment, but then, when you wear that stuff out in public, you feel like a fool who has been pranked by someone who is not really their friend. Thanking them for their “service to the United States of America” should make them feel proud at first, like they think, “Yeah, I do serve the United States of America, that is me, I serve my country,” but then after a few minutes, the weight of that responsibility starts to bear down on their shoulders and they start to think about what that really means and whether they are living up to the promises they have made to themselves and others.
“I love you.”
We want to keep them on their toes, so say this like you mean it, not like you just accidentally called your supervisor at work “mom.”
Finally, with whatever time you have remaining in your message, sing the chorus of Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA” with all your heart. If you get cut off before you finish, call back and sing whatever you had left to complete, even if it’s just a few words, even if it’s just the letter “A” in the final “God Bless the USA.”