This is an excerpt from McSweeney’s contributor Hayley DeRoche’s new book, Dress Your Baby in Sage and Taupe: A Handbook for the Sad Beige Parent, available now!
When planning a sad, beige child’s first birthday party, it’s important not to lose sight of what’s most important: love laughter aesthetics. Make sure your little one’s birthday is filled to the brim with ennui Instagram-worthy fun with this handy checklist. And remember, don’t fret if you don’t check off every item; your utter failure as a parent and person will be forgiven by your child in time.
Maybe.
You know, with many long years of therapy.
So get to work! The stakes have never been lower higher.
Invitations: This is your guest’s first taste of the party that awaits; make sure you let them know your finger is on the pulse of trends like nobody else with these tried-and-true themes.
Acceptable themes (PICK ONE):
- Fawn (“A Year of Our Little Deer”)
- Skunk (“Our Little Stinker Is One!!”)
- Industrial Farming (“We Love You a Bushel and a Peck!”)
- Sardines
Unacceptable themes (NO):
- Axolotls (SO last year)
- Danny DeVito (“The Dans of Our Lives”)
- The Great Depression (BYOB—Bring Your Own Bowler Hat)
- Red Dye 40
Color Schemes: A birthday is a somber time, a day of serious contemplation and reflection. Make sure the colorways you choose convey the solemn mood appropriately.
Acceptable colorways:
- Beige
- Oatmeal
- Inconsolable Weeping
- Numb
- Bog
Unacceptable colorways:
- Pink
- Orange
- Red
- Yellow
- Green
- Blue
- Indigo
- Purple
Cake: Expect to spend a minimum of thirty-seven hours here.
- Three-tier minimum.
- MUST be homemade
- Jam filling made from hand-harvested gooseberries planted on the day of the child’s birth
- Icing should be organic whipped buttercream from generous cows whose names you know personally
- Hand-dipped beeswax candles
- Edible flower compote
- Tiny quilted fabric flag, pennant, or maypole on top
- Can be store-bought in an emergency, but must be ordered sixteen months in advance
Entertainment: This is your time to outshine the other daycare parents. Especially Fern’s. You cannot let their “Little Lamb” party with real lambs, wool-dying, and spinning wheel workshop go unbeaten.
YES:
- Bounce house (acceptable colorways: khaki, cinnamon, or eggnog)
- Corn husk doll-making station
- Swan boat rides
- Poetry salon
- Linocut workshop
- Mushroom foraging
- Flour sack race (find vintage flour sacks online for that authentic feel—or sew your own!)
- Mud kitchen bake-off
- Whittling demonstration
- Dream interpretation hour
- All-natural playdough imaginative play table
- Ponies (acceptable colorways: khaki, cinnamon, or eggnog)
NO:
*Rented bounce castle in unsightly garish tones that gesture toward traditional childhood motifs; that is, primary blues, greens, and reds
- Balloon animals in (say it with me) unsightly garish tones that gesture toward traditional childhood motifs; that is, primary reds, yellows, and blues
- Princess or trending cartoon animal meet and greet (so cringe)
- Keg stands
- Danny DeVito
For more info and where to buy Dress Your Baby in Sage and Taupe: A Handbook for the Sad Beige Parent, go here.