Thanks for reaching out. I’ve stepped away from my office, but I’ll respond promptly when I return. To clear up any confusion, please be advised that:
- I don’t suffocate people with pillows.
- Hexes cost extra.
- I don’t know Florence + The Machine personally, although I have memorized her lyrics.
- I can’t encourage people to applaud at a cremation. That has to happen organically.
- I don’t have any skeletons lying around to rent out.
- My office isn’t in a graveyard. That’s why I didn’t hear you screaming for me last night.
- I don’t accept IOUs for payment.
- I can’t translate what ravens and crows say to each other.
- It’s the wrong season for a séance.
- I can’t guarantee you a spot in heaven or your ex a spot in hell. God and I haven’t spoken since the 2024 election, and Satan no longer returns my phone calls.
- I’m not interested in buying wolves, brooms, or black cloaks. I’ve got plenty of all three.
- My services don’t include sneaking psychedelics into your morphine drip.
- Your dead uncle doesn’t visit me in my dreams. Unless he’s Cillian Murphy.
- I don’t communicate with the moon.
- Black cats don’t come when I call them.
- I can’t speak to the accuracy of Beetlejuice.
- I won’t sit next to anyone’s deathbed, pretend I’m a ghost, and whisper, “Can we speed this up?”
- I’m not going to push anyone off a balcony. That’s illegal here too.
- Hades is outside my jurisdiction.
- I can’t make your grandpa look like Elvis for the viewing.
- Holy water doesn’t burn, Bibles don’t slide away when I reach for them, and spontaneous thunder and lightning don’t happen when I walk into a church. Not every time, anyway.
- I’m not a birthing doula. I do the other thing.