“The United States Army has officially raised its enlistment age limit to 42.” — New York Times
Arrival
Once you step off the bus, basic training has begun. Recruits carrying ergonomic rolling luggage will be immediately singled out for punishment. Next, your bags will be inspected for contraband. Any attempts to smuggle in heating pads, lumbar-support braces, or Lactaid pills will cause your drill sergeant to go ballistic. Full-fat dairy is a big part of the warrior ethos.
Red Phase
(Weeks 1-3)
The goal of the Red Phase is to begin your transformation from soft, middle-aged weakling into an unstoppable, silver-fox warrior. During these first three weeks, you’ll get a thorough introduction to the following:
- US Army’s core values, traditions, and ethics
- Protein binging
- Exercise purging
- Combat 101: fighting hand-to-hand soldiers, guerrilla insurgents, and hypertension
- Crowd-dispersion
- Sodium-reduction
- Identifying, ignoring, and over-medicating chronic knee pain
- Tactical sudoku
- Nuclear-biological-chemical chamber analysis (also known as a “colonoscopy”)
- The RFK Jr. mid-life challenge: One hundred push-ups. Fifty pull-ups. Spray-tanned and in jeans.
Obviously, this is an intense training schedule, geared toward building physical endurance. You’ll move up once you’re able to kick a training dummy without shattering your ankle, or complete two days without complaining about sleeping on your neck funny.
White Phase
(Weeks 4–5)
The White Phase focuses on strong-arming your aging body into submission, with special emphasis on weapons training. You’ll learn how to identify, target, and engage targets with a rifle. You will also lose what’s left of your hearing. Here’s a rundown of what we’ll cover:
- Basic rifle marksmanship (BRM)—engaging distant targets
- Basic blurry marksmanship (BBM)—engaging distant targets without glasses
- Zeroing a rifle
- Zeroing your percentage of body fat
- Acquiring a midlife eating disorder
- Surprise barracks inspection
- Surprise bowel obstruction
- Dissociating through a complete physical breakdown
- Mainlining hypertrophic vitamin infusions
- Yogurt
Soon, you’ll start to get the hang of military midlife. You may even think your drill sergeant is noticing how, after you cough, you’re peeing your pants a little less. You’re developing all the essential soldier skills, which you’ll put together in the next phase.
Blue Phase
(Weeks 6–9)
It’s time to dig deep. This final phase is the most important part of your training. It will either render you a broken bag of bone fragments or turn you into a jacked, over-forty fighting machine. These three weeks are spent on the following:
- Undergoing testosterone replacement therapy as part of a team
- Engaging in ten-to-fifteen tactical supplements, including Swolverine peptide stacks, ’roids, pumpers, gym candy, and Peter Thiel–inspired blood infusions from a young alpha stud
- Saying goodbye to your former life
- Final physical inspection before the Army Physical Fitness Test (APFT)
- Final brain MRI before the APFT
- Completing the APFT, effectively grafting your frail, disintegrating human body onto a titanium aluminide insect-exoskeleton engineered by SpaceX. This process is permanent. You must pass the APFT to graduate.
Army Basic Training Graduation
(Week 10)
You’ll receive one day off with your family to catch up on your recent experiences. Thanks to your new seven-foot-tall mechanical praying-mantis cyborg body, you’ll have plenty to discuss.
Congratulations. You’re now ready for your first military assignment:
Administrative Support
Obviously, we’re placing you on full-time desk duty. What did you think would happen? You’re middle-aged.