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Orignally published April 10, 2020
Hey there, I’m Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I know things look bad for me right now, but I’m gonna be back in a few days, and when I return, I want all the eggs hidden. And I want the eggs to have candy in them. And I want all the kids in town to go look for the eggs so they can eat the candy. This is all about the kids. Adults can’t help them look.
Oh, I almost forgot about the Easter Bunny. Easter is what you’re gonna call the day I come back to life, and the Easter Bunny is what you’re gonna call the man-sized rabbit that hides all the candy-filled eggs the children will hunt down.
Is this too weird? I don’t want this to feel weird. But it’s really important all of this happens every single year from now until forever.
In this column, professional speechwriter Chandler Dean provides partly satirical, partly genuine “How To” advice focused on a hyper-specific subcategory of speeches—from graduation speeches to wedding toasts to eulogies, and all the rhetorical occasions in between.
It’s an odd thing that we make our election losers do. You don’t have to give a speech when you lose at an award ceremony, or when you don’t get the promotion you were up for, or when you just barely miss the cut for the wedding party. The closest opportunity you get to uplift and inspire in those scenarios is when you gossip about it with your partner on the car ride home. And tragically, that’s rarely televised.
Last Christmas I came out of a pub in Manchester city centre with my brother, parents and grandparents early in the evening. I looked up from the base of one of the towers along Great Ancoats Street. 14 stories, 100 or so apartments. I saw four lights on. One supposes this great exodus of the […]
Hi, Jesus. It’s Pop. Just got your message. Sorry I missed you yesterday. It was kind of wild around her. A good Friday it was not. You wouldn’t believe everything going on with this farkakte universe. Expanding and expanding and expanding, we can’t keep up! And all these bad things happening to good people? Don’t get me started. We’re trying to fix that bug, but it’s a real head-scratcher, you don’t want to know.
Anyway, no rest for the divine. So, as I said, I got your message. And, look, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I haven’t forsaken you. You think I’d forsake you? I seem like a forsaker to you? What do you want me to do? I was on another line, that’s it.
You know I’ve always been there for you. You’re my number-one boy! Remember that time we did the trick with the wine? Oh, the loaves, the fishes, the things we could do. By the way, how’s Lazarus holding up? A real mensch that guy. You should be so lucky to have a friend like him.