Thank you for calling the Turning-Thirty Helpline for People Having Big Feelings About Turning Thirty. We’re here to help you navigate the transition from your twenties to your thirties, and we promise not to wish you a happy birthday.
Please listen closely as your menu options have recently changed.
Press 1 if you relate less to “thirty, flirty, and thriving” and more to “trying, crying, and teeth-grinding.” We’ll connect you to a dentist who will share the magic of nighttime mouthguards.
Press 2 to report a 500 percent increase in targeted ads for Botox, clean anti-aging products, messy anti-aging products, freezing your eggs, recipes for eggs, recipes for soup, and freezing your soup.
If you’d prefer an open space to vent about the targeted ads algorithm, press 3 for affirming “mm-hmm” noises.