Dear Employees,
We are pleased to officially roll out the company’s new health benefits. Supermarket Cake is an innovative insurance option that allows you to skip tedious, traditional healthcare procedures such as “seeing a doctor,” “making a lifestyle change,” and “surgery” to get straight to what makes you feel better: shoveling cheap grocery store cake into your cake hole.
Here’s how it works: Each month, a premium will be deducted from your paycheck, and, in exchange, your Supermarket Cake coverage will pay for 80 percent of your expenses every time you encounter a medical issue, so long as your expenses are limited to a $27.99 supermarket cake that you bought to comfort-eat while worrying about how you’ll afford to fix your medical issue.