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Created
Sat, 10/05/2025 - 18:52
Not many years ago, comedians complained that politicians had become so boring that they were no longer worth satirizing. Today, they have the opposite problem: the satirists can’t keep up. The dull, grey political leaders of the 199os and early twenty-first century have been replaced in many nations by outrageous and absurd exhibitionists. Italy’s Silvio […]
Created
Sat, 10/05/2025 - 04:15

Julie Owens, who bravely tugged on a tankini in mid-January in order to chaperone her twins to an indoor water park. After nearly swallowing a wet Band-Aid in the wave pool, Owens—in a show of tremendous valor—merely dry heaved thrice.

Hannah Robertson, who not only took her eleven-year-old to Sephora but also bought the pubescent child a sixty-five-dollar jade roller and twenty-five-dollar toner, all without once rolling her eyes or mentioning the patriarchy.

Elizabeth McGrackle, who prepared for a dinner party by buying groceries, planning the menu, cleaning the house, and then setting the table after retrieving ten plates, two bowls, four drinking glasses, and a moldy piece of her wedding china from under her teenage son’s bed.

Carrie Roberts, who stoically drank lukewarm Barefoot Moscato at a trampoline park that was blasting the Trolls 2 soundtrack, so that her daughter might attend Rayleigh from cheer camp’s birthday party.

April Peterson, who went through twenty hours of labor and an emergency C-section while her husband sat in a recliner and loudly sighed about the vending machine’s lack of Funyuns.

Created
Sat, 10/05/2025 - 01:20

Deep-dish Eucharist wafers

Oprah added to Sistine Chapel ceiling

Sunday mass followed by improv set

Brian Urlacher’s hair growth declared a miracle

Sacramental wine replaced with Malört

“Our Father” to be pronounced with hilarious Chicago accent

College of Cardinals renamed “The Wieners Circle”

Baptismal font dyed green on St. Patrick’s Day

Raphael’s The School of Athens exchanged for the Chicago Bean

St. Peter’s Basilica renamed “Willis Basilica”

Fisherman’s Ring traded for 1985 Bears Super Bowl ring

Carl Sandburg resurrected to write inspirational poem about Vatican City

Divorce now allowed if spouse puts ketchup on hot dog

Chorus from Chicago’s “Saturday in the Park” added to Bach’s Mass in B Minor

Green Bay excommunicated

Cardinals now booed

Air Jordans instead of papal slippers

If pope digs out the popemobile, he can put the Chair of St. Peter there until he returns