5 a.m.: I wake up at the crack of dawn and shoot myself up with a cocktail of hormones.
7 a.m.: Now that I’m roided up, I log onto Facebook and cyberbully women by telling them I’m going to beat them at all their sports today.
7:20 a.m.: From my liberal woke closet, I pull out an outfit that is nefarious and confusing, and promotes my radical belief in the existence of more than two genders: jeans, a compression top, and a floral short-sleeve button-up shirt.
8 a.m.: I arrive at work wearing the single most charged clothing accessory ever created: My THEY/THEM pronoun pin. I love shoving my gender agenda in everyone’s face.
8:30 a.m.: In our morning team meeting, I bully my colleagues by politely correcting them on my pronouns.
12:00 p.m.: I schedule my weekly top surgery because I hate women.