Since the founding of our august institution, we have awarded promotion and tenure based on how many pages of your research we could read before falling asleep and the rumors we heard about the time you insulted that emeritus professor’s new vest. In short, we awarded tenure based on vibes.
But thanks to a lawsuit that we can’t discuss and probably never even happened, we have formalized our promotion and tenure criteria so that everyone can be held to the same nearly impossible standard. These guidelines were written by almost-retired professors who never could have met these standards back in the 1980s, when all you needed for tenure was 1.5 publications and a bottle of scotch in your desk.
Research
To demonstrate excellence in research, achieve all of the following:
