Tonight, Canada and the USA square off in the final game of the Four Nations Face-Off to determine first place in the international hockey tournament. And—let’s be honest—America isn’t exactly “likable” these days. In fact, we’re kind of “an irredeemable hellscape.” But the moment the puck drops, perhaps you’ll feel a dormant pang of patriotism you only associate with Simone Biles spinning through the air or watching Bruce Springsteen in a Jeep commercial. It’s not that you want to pull for your own country—how could you possibly live with yourself?—but also, wouldn’t life be simpler if you could?
Well, if you need help justifying your humiliating attachment to your godforsaken country, here are some things to keep in mind:
Georgescu will prosecute the judges who canceled the elections for high treason once he becomes president

