Job Interview with a Cat Tell me, what is it about this position that interests you? The warmth, perhaps? The security? Or the power you must feel by rendering me useless? Feel free to expand if you wish. I see you have had experience of similar positions. Can you talk about a time when you got somebody’s tongue? Or were…
writing
It’s publication day for ‘How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside’. For those of you who preordered, I hope your copy has arrived and you enjoy reading it. For those of you who, for some strange reason, didn’t preorder, it should be out there in most bookshops for perusal and purchase. But only…
Assorted Haiku Haiku #2511 Tourists wait in lineto enter Machu Picchu.Oh, look! A high queue. Haiku #564127 how dare you suggestI have a short attentionspanish omelette Limeraiku There once was a younglimerick from Kew who turnedinto a haiku. The Constraints of Haiku Tied up all night witha haiku dominatrixand her three-line whip. Shakespearean Haiku Shall…
The Question Erm, well – I begin, shifting nervously in my chair – if it’s true there is no heaven and no hell, no eternity or long hereafter, no divine plan or offstage direction from an invisible hand, then how do we make sense of it all, how do we make our way through this life,this glorious, ridiculous,…
The Cost of Loving I love you more than life itselfbut I swear I’ll love you betterif you let me turn the heating offand you wear another sweater. I cannot get enough of you –I’m completely in your thrall.I love to watch you bending overto unplug the telly at the wall. Yes, you’re the only…
An Invention of Collective Nouns A reckoning of spreadsheets.A distraction of smartphones.A prattle of podcasts.A mispronunciation of scones. A clique of photographers.A heard of precedents.An enjambment ofpoets. A grope of presidents. A pile of haemorrhoids.A bunion of personal trainers.A bout of estimations.A condescension of mansplainers. A stroke of geniuses.A spot of adolescents.An embarrassment of Richards.A…
Billionaire in a Midlife Crisis He’s swapped designer jeans and flashy carsFor designer spacesuits and trips to MarsWhere he watches Earth turn on its axisWith its stupid people paying taxesHe’s indulging all his whims and vicesHe’s a billionaire in a midlife crisis He’s got plans to end world povertyOnce his new hair’s lost its noveltyHe’s…
I Did Not Tell Death Where I lived I did not tell Death where I lived –But he has found me all the same.I hear his knock upon my doorAnd the calling of my name. My Snapchat settings kept him out.On Instagram I blocked him.Facebook friend requests were spurned –Yet still he keeps on knocking.…
On Tender Hooks Let me cut to the cheese:every time you open your mouth,I’m on tender hooks. You charge at the English languagelike a bowl in a china shop.I wish you’d nip it in the butt. On the spurt of the moment,another eggcorn tumbles out.It’s time you gave up the goat. Curve your enthusiasmand don’t…
The Poet Now Standing at Platform 3A The poet now standing at platform 3Ais the delayed 14.30 speaker for the Wits’ End Poetry Festival, calling at: Longwaite; Anguish; Bleakside;Much Wallowing-in-the-Mire; Little Hope; Hangdog Manor; High Dudgeon; Irk; Fuckham; Mope; Doldrum Parkway; Wearyside Central; and Wits’ End. We are sorry to announce this poet is delayed…