Much to my surprise, some of my shows this year are on the verge of selling out. You may need to get your rollerblades on if you plan to come to any of the following, which have fewer than 50 tickets remaining: 9May: FILEY Literature Festival3 June: LEEK Arts Festival4 June: CHESTER Literature Festival8 Oct:…
writing
Life of a Naturalist it’s his birthdayand the sloths are up early for oncethe flamingos line up in pink, long-legged salutethe birds of paradise parade in their finestthe elephants blow their trumpetsthe blue whales gush with joythe gorillas act out stories of his visitsthe lions lay off the wildebeest for one dayand stand together on…
Anniversary I forgot, I said,but since when was our love builton anything so ordinaryas a date? Let other couples mark time.I am too caught upwith the here and the now of youto waste these hoursin commemoration of the past. Because our love is vast,like an ocean,with depths far beyondothers’ comprehension. Why spend our lives…
Job Interview with a Cat Tell me, what is it about this position that interests you? The warmth, perhaps? The security? Or the power you must feel by rendering me useless? Feel free to expand if you wish. I see you have had experience of similar positions. Can you talk about a time when you got somebody’s tongue? Or were…
It’s publication day for ‘How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside’. For those of you who preordered, I hope your copy has arrived and you enjoy reading it. For those of you who, for some strange reason, didn’t preorder, it should be out there in most bookshops for perusal and purchase. But only…
Assorted Haiku Haiku #2511 Tourists wait in lineto enter Machu Picchu.Oh, look! A high queue. Haiku #564127 how dare you suggestI have a short attentionspanish omelette Limeraiku There once was a younglimerick from Kew who turnedinto a haiku. The Constraints of Haiku Tied up all night witha haiku dominatrixand her three-line whip. Shakespearean Haiku Shall…
The Question Erm, well – I begin, shifting nervously in my chair – if it’s true there is no heaven and no hell, no eternity or long hereafter, no divine plan or offstage direction from an invisible hand, then how do we make sense of it all, how do we make our way through this life,this glorious, ridiculous,…
The Cost of Loving I love you more than life itselfbut I swear I’ll love you betterif you let me turn the heating offand you wear another sweater. I cannot get enough of you –I’m completely in your thrall.I love to watch you bending overto unplug the telly at the wall. Yes, you’re the only…
An Invention of Collective Nouns A reckoning of spreadsheets.A distraction of smartphones.A prattle of podcasts.A mispronunciation of scones. A clique of photographers.A heard of precedents.An enjambment ofpoets. A grope of presidents. A pile of haemorrhoids.A bunion of personal trainers.A bout of estimations.A condescension of mansplainers. A stroke of geniuses.A spot of adolescents.An embarrassment of Richards.A…
Billionaire in a Midlife Crisis He’s swapped designer jeans and flashy carsFor designer spacesuits and trips to MarsWhere he watches Earth turn on its axisWith its stupid people paying taxesHe’s indulging all his whims and vicesHe’s a billionaire in a midlife crisis He’s got plans to end world povertyOnce his new hair’s lost its noveltyHe’s…