Dear viewers,
At our news network, we have received a number of complaints about our current political coverage. Some of you have insisted that we are sacrificing our journalistic integrity for views. That could not be further from the truth. We believe that in order to stay fair and balanced, we must give equal airtime to the incumbent Democrat and the guy who wants everyone to drink their own piss.
We are not alone—nearly every other network has also speculated that this race will come down to the wire. And sure, technically, that prediction has yet to come true in any way. But if we say it enough, it might! As journalists, it is our job to treat all your options with equal weight: keeping your current president, or drinking a Slurpee-sized cup of your own urine every morning.
As for the nation’s most hotly contested Senate race, we aim to show our audience the benefits of both sides: the sitting Democratic senator, and the innovative challenger who wants to replace all music with chalkboard-scratching sounds. We understand voters have an incredibly difficult decision to make.