Dear Board of Trustees,
As professors at this large state university, we want to thank you for your recent investment in athletics. We admit, when we first heard that you were spending $50 million to replace our washed-up, elderly football coach with a washed-up, elderly, unemployed NFL coach, we were skeptical. But now we see the error of our ways. During this era of declining enrollment, public mistrust, and open attacks by the US government, it’s clear that only one thing can save this institution, the country’s oldest public university: college football.
We are grateful that, through this mega-contract with a coach with zero collegiate experience, the university is publicly recognizing what we’ve known for years: Our mission is not to prepare America’s youth for successful careers; it’s to make money on football. Now, we’ll finally be able to maximize profit through ad revenue, ticket sales, and selling overpriced beer to drunk fans. Just like the NFL, but with fewer Taylor Swift sightings.
