Oh my god, hi!! I am SO sorry to do this, but we have your wife Jenna, and if you don’t pay us $20 million in unmarked bills by tomorrow night, we are gonna have to kill her. So sorry about this!!
We are a group of private individuals who disagree with your amoral business practices and have kidnapped your wife, because four of us are Scorpios, and you know how we are when we get together—you better be glad we didn’t make a worse mess of this, LOL. We follow your public stock holdings and know you have the money. Please follow our instructions to the letter if you want to see your wife again, and I know you do because she is super pretty!!
Just to say it again: SO sorry about this, I know this is annoying, ugh.
To prove that we have her, we’ve enclosed some hair—that’s right, we gave her bangs. She is going through a tough time right now because she is kidnapped, and everyone agreed that letting her get bangs would make her feel free and in control of her own future. She looks SO cute!!!! You should absolutely pay us so you can see the bangs.




