Welcome to motherhood. It’s the hardest job on earth but also FUN and not hard. It’s the longest, shortest time. It’s organic but also Doritos. The rules are simple, not contradictory, but also not rules, because we are play-based.
1. You must never be boring, but also don’t be fun, or else they won’t respect you as a parent.
2. You must curate a schedule of sports, academics, and whimsy, but don’t curate it so it will be child-led.
3. Infants must learn to swim with you holding them, or they could drown in a bucket, but also not rely on you to swim.
4. Cribs should contain one twenty-thread count sheet and be free of comfort items in a way only monastic monks could understand, but also make it cozy.
5. You must sleep-train your baby before the four-month regression, the six-month regression, and learning leaps.But also don’t pressure them or they will have abandonment issues and form a goth band.
6. You must create a curriculum of brain-stimulating activities—a box of old-timey keys, brick bits from a pueblo in New Mexico, or rain in a jar.But also don’t focus on academics.
