1. My decision to spend sixteen dollars on these Mason jars would inevitably coincide with a sudden, inexplicable change in my personality, from someone who eats luncheon meat straight from the packet to someone who regularly uses fenugreek.
2. The twenty seconds I used to spend looking for the cumin, I would instead devote to loftier pursuits, like marveling at how easy it is to find the cumin.
3. I would automatically become the best, most well-adjusted and anxiety-free version of myself. An aura of uncluttered calm would radiate from me, bathing my interlocutors in a golden, turmeric-scented glow.
4. Did I mention that I would regularly use fenugreek?
5. The need to alphabetize my spices would compel me to take up calligraphy. Once I had hand-written and affixed all the labels, I would continue to practice calligraphy daily, becoming so proficient that I win several local competitions.
6. I become a home organization influencer—despite deleting all social media.