Attention, everyone!
I have decided to start wearing dainty little rings.
For those wondering, “How many dainty little rings? How many fingers?” I am excited to announce the answer is multiple fingers across both hands. Currently, I am up to three total dainty little rings: the middle and pointer fingers of my left hand and the middle finger of my right. From there, only time will tell where we will go.
You can expect to see the impact of this on my personality, effective immediately.
When I slip on my dainty little rings, I immediately feel ten years older and five times sluttier. Of course, there are still times when I do feel like a man who is still wearing his wedding ring, despite the divorce papers sitting in his desk drawer and the fact that his wife is in Cabo with her trainer, Stephen—the same feeling that prevented me from wearing rings in the first place. But when the rings are dainty, and my nails are shaped and painted like little Jordan almonds, I don’t feel like I have big fat man fingers; I feel like a Woman Who Works in PR.