Fellow parents,
I am so angry and drunk right now that I am shaking. This evening, our young son spent several unsupervised hours trick-or-treating while my husband and I got plastered at the Schroeder’s adults-only Halloween party.
Upon arriving home, we found him bawling his eyes out over his disappointing candy haul. Apparently, while the other neighborhood children received chocolate bars, quarters, and popcorn balls, my son, for some reason, received rocks. As in multiple rocks, from multiple houses.
One rock? Okay, fine. But every house in the neighborhood? This was obviously a coordinated effort to humiliate our family.
To think, as we were sipping gin fizzes, bobbing for apples, and sipping mai tais, you were all conspiring to fill our son’s empty pillowcase with pebbles and igneous stones. Shame on you.
To top it all off, our five-year-old daughter missed out on tricks or treats altogether after being coerced by that boy with an unhealthy attachment to his blanket to spend the whole night in a pumpkin patch. Without a coat on, mind you!