I’ve done it.
After years of biohacking and tweaking, I have become… optimal.
Body fat percentage, optimal. Triglycerides, optimal. Dietary fiber, weekly activity levels, resting heart rate, 365-day meditation app streak, all optimal.
Now I can spend the next one hundred years staying optimal until I die.
I go for a long hike on a moonlit mountain trail, watching my step counter the entire way.
I feel the morning sun warm my face, and rush inside to use my sun lamp, which stimulates vitamin D production without skin damage.
I sit motionless on the floor of an empty room, enjoying the perfect harmony between my omega-3 and omega-6 fatty acids.
Last week, I was offered a new job—creative, frightening, and meaningful. The challenge of a lifetime. I turned it down because it lacked the optimal combination of ten thousand daily steps, adequate income, and zero stress that I enjoy as deputy floor manager at the Sanderson Cardboard Box Depository.
I have not eaten cake since my sixth birthday. My lifestyle factors predict I will live at least 120 optimal, cake-free years.