Noom
Instructions: Pay seventy dollars a month to count calories in an app and receive daily reminders that celery is less calorie dense than cake frosting.
Pros: Fleeting sense of accomplishment from signing up and paying for a service.
Cons: Ruin brunch by assessing the calorie density of your friends’ meals; targeted ads for Noom for the rest of your life.
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French Women Don’t Get Fat
Instructions: Eat minuscule portions of your favorite foods with a vintage seafood fork. Serve poached pears at dinner parties. Start wearing scarves and smoking a pack of cigarettes a day; hiss at fat people.
Pros: A single tarte tatin from the farmers’ market can last up to five days.
Cons: Clarins anti-aging serum is no match for cigarettes. Also, you’re starving.