Folks, I’ve got three questions for you…
What do you mean “how did I get in here”? I’ll ask the questions, sir. I opened the door. But I didn’t open the door to your house; I opened the door to a goddamn financial windfall.
Speaking of the door, PAINT IT SUPER FUCKING BRIGHT RED.
You both look shocked, so I’m gonna be a little bit flexible here: You can paint it super fucking bright yellow instead, if you want. Or super fucking bright blue. God, I can already feel this shit-heap lurching toward a seven-figure payday.
Sir, there’s no need to call the police. Your wife is literally smiling now. I’m a good guy, we’re all safe. I have just as much reason to be concerned for my safety, but you don’t see me being afraid. I’m confident. I don’t have a fear of success.


