Q: You were laid off from the National Weather Service amid all the DOGE cuts, correct?
A: Yes. And they haven’t hired anyone new to do my job.
Q: Which was?
A: The National Weather Service’s Director of “Feels Like.” You know how when there’s a heat wave, you hear that the actual temp is eighty-five degrees but it “feels like” it’s ninety-nine? That was me. Since the 1980s, the “feels like” temp was based on my determinations.
Q: And how were these determinations reached?
A: By considering a variety of factors: heat index, wind chill, dew point, solar intensity, the director’s discretion…
Q: Discretion? So you’re saying “feels like” is partially a subjective measure?
A: No, I am saying that the Weather Service, until this administration came along, entrusted me with the job because I have a decades-long track record of empathic temperature-vibing. A single-digit January day in Chicago may be no colder than a single-digit November day. But in January, the Christmas lights have come down, and the Bears are washed. So you know for damn sure that it feels like it’s twelve below.