Starting later this year, all American women will be required to have a Government-Assigned Life Coach (GALC) in order to maintain US citizenship.
According to America’s top scientists, Jordan Peterson and Joe Rogan, women’s independent thinking has been officially declared the number one cause of all bad stuff in the country. To address this national crisis, we’ve developed groundbreaking technology that captures women’s thoughts and feelings and transforms them into brand sponsorships. In exchange for surrendering their inner lives, women will receive the thing they love most: a free tote bag from Target.
Why GALC now?
Women were invented by scientists in 1972 primarily for economic purposes: to purchase beauty products, binge true crime, and fuel the algorithm using bikini selfies captioned with song lyrics about liberation they were never meant to fully experience. For decades, their low self-esteem has been a key driver of the GDP.
By 2012, we had nearly succeeded in turning every woman into a brand.