For the Gentlemen
1. Get out your measuring tape. Measure your waist.
2. Measure from your crotch to your foot.
3. Take those two numbers in the order you measured yourself. You are ready to buy pants.
For the Ladies
1. At what age did you first learn about death?
2. Add one for each member of NSYNC you can name—be honest.
3. Did you think about carbs today? How many times? (Add one per instance.)
4. What is your star sign? We figured we’d ask in case no one has asked you today, even though it doesn’t change your pants size.
5. Have you dressed in athleisure most weeks since 2020? (Add four.)
6. Subtract two if donning denim pants doesn’t involve grunting and flopping on the floor like a spawning, half-dead, and rotted-out salmon.
7. Do you know how to reset your router or attach a photograph to an email? Take away a third of your size.
8. If your butt were food, what food would it be?