Dear Applicant,
Thank you for your embarrassingly eager interest in our job opening and for getting to know us over the course of twelve rounds of interviews.
We regret to inform you that we have selected another, far more suitable candidate for the role—a starchy ten-pound sack of Canadian Yukon Gold potatoes, straight from our local Stop & Shop.
While we were impressed with your experience, we all agreed that your energy levels were a bit much for our taste. Your demeanor came across as eager, approachable, and ambitious, while we tend to prefer candidates who are more down-to-earth, dusty, and brooding.
It is potentially worth noting that the hiring manager has a personal attachment to potatoes due to a prized family gratin dauphinois recipe. We are confident this has nothing to do with the decision.
Given our status as a fast-moving startup, we want to ensure that each new addition to the team helps us achieve our goal of increasing our revenue by 500 percent every two weeks. The sack of potatoes, covered in unsightly green sprouts, has proven it understands the importance of growth.