Thanks for sharing your work, Glenn. It definitely engaged my imagination. However, there were a few instances where I found it hard to parse. Here are my notes:
“I wanna savage your spinal remains.”
Unless you’re one of those bone-crushing vultures, this doesn’t really make much sense for a character’s motivation. Consider revising.
“She walked out with empty arms. Machine gun in her hand. She is good, and she is bad. No one understands”
I appreciate that you’re trying to tackle the essential duality of human nature here, along with the existential crisis perpetuated by our inability to ever truly perceive the interior mental states of those around us, but how can her arms be empty if she’s got a machine gun in her hand? I don’t get it.
“We walk the streets at night. We go where eagles dare.”
Strong start here. Solid scene-setting and use of metaphor. But I’ll be honest, this part kind of lost me:
“The omelet of disease. Awaits your noontime meal. Her mouth of germicide. Seducing all your glands.”