Originally published December 23, 2009.
Day 1
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a partridge in a pear tree. Such a thoughtful gift, she knows how much I love fruit. She also knows my building’s pretty strict about pets, so the bird threw me a little. But he is a cute little guy.
Day 2
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave me two turtle doves. Wow, she’s really into the avian theme this year. Um, thank you? I guess I’ll just put them in the kitchen with the partridge in the pear tree, which suddenly seems a lot bigger than it did yesterday.
Days 3 & 4
On the third and fourth days of Christmas, she gave me three French hens and four calling birds. Funny, I don’t remember telling her my dream was to one day open a chapter of the Audubon Society. Jesus. You know what would have been nice? Some birdseed. I’m out of saltines and things are starting to get weird in here.