Dear Members of the Search Committee:
Well, here we are again. I am sitting in my sunroom, listening to the robins, crows, and jays, and I’m trying to type out a list of all my achievements so that you will like me enough to invite me for a Zoom interview and possibly a campus visit.
I already have a teaching job at a small college in South Georgia. You may not know this, but the reason that I can’t leave the South is because I live in Florida (about thirty-five miles from the school where I have taught for the last fifteen years) and Florida is a “men’s rights” state, which meant that after I got a PhD and left my abusive ex, I wasn’t able to move anywhere without giving up custody of my children, which I would never do.
My job isn’t terrible, but I’m underpaid, and I’m looking for better opportunities. You may be wondering why I’m even applying for jobs if I can’t really leave the state of Florida. Good question. I’m applying because maybe my ex will die.
Just kidding.