Attention: If you’re a single man over thirty making at least $150,000 a year but you’re ashamed of your pestos and bouquets garnis, stop what you’re doing and register for my twelve-part video program. In just six short months, I will turn you into a black-belt-certified fresh herbs master.
I want to be very clear: this video series is specifically for well-off divorced fathers who post angry truck selfies to Facebook. Do your under-seasoned canapes consistently disappoint horny wine moms? If so, over the next minute, learn why men like you need a radically disruptive mindset to become an omnipotent god of fresh herb maintenance and preparation.
Face it: you may be crushing your monthly sales goals and maintaining a cordial relationship with your ex-wife, but your herb game is weak. You mist your windowsill garden when you should spritz, and spritz when you should mist. Your chutney tastes like your chermoula. You mistake sweet cicely for creeping savory.