Dear Television Executives,
It is time to make a lesbian season of Love Is Blind.
Let me be clear: It is my sincere belief that Love Is Blind—in which contestants date each other through a wall, get engaged through said wall, and only see each other once they’ve said yes—is the best reality show ever made. I hope there are one thousand seasons and that I’m watching it on my deathbed. I want the last voice I ever hear to belong to Tammy, a twenty-two-year-old sales associate / model / DJ from Kentucky on her fifth tequila soda, saying, “I just feel like I found my best friend.”
But by having people fall in love without ever seeing each other, you have appropriated lesbian culture, and it’s only fair that you give us something back. After all, if it wasn’t for lesbians, we wouldn’t even have the concept of forcing all of your friends and family to meet the new love of your life, only to break up with her a few days later.