Reading
Dear Parent or Guardian,
Despite our laughably small budget, the district insists we keep up with tech trends. As a result, you must manage a shit ton of cheap, hard-to-use apps and websites this year.
Classroom Assist
Students use this platform to chat with teachers and submit assignments outside of school hours. To enroll your child, click here and answer three ancient Babylonian riddles, each more difficult than the last. Failure to correctly answer each riddle will lock you out of the site for forty-eight hours—plenty of time to consider homeschooling your student.
Volunteer Wizard
A reminder that you’re required to volunteer at one super-stressful school event per semester. (FYI, we need someone to cover a vape-patrol shift at the homecoming dance.) Sign up on this overly complicated app that’ll make you wonder why we didn’t just use a Google Doc.