Today, I want to talk about transformation. As mayor, I promise I will turn into a beast of policy and transform this town overnight into something we don’t even recognize. I want everyone to wake up the day after I’m sworn in and say, “What the hell happened last night? Gerald, what happened to your face?” Oh yes. Gerald’s face will be bloody—bloody surprised at how much better his life got last night, that is.
As citizens of North Harbor, I know you haven’t had it easy lately. I’ve heard the same worries from voters all across this town. Why is nobody doing anything about our favorite clothes that rip off our bodies at the sight of the moon? Why is nobody picking them up, folding them, and neatly bringing them back to us? Why, just the other day, I saw Stanley’s favorite “Dental Association Convention 2018” T-shirt near where those two hikers went missing, and I thought to myself, “Stanley must want that shirt back.” It is outrageous that no other candidate in this race has had the guts to speak out about this unspeakable town crisis.



