1. Set your alarm for 6:00 a.m. the night before. You want to be first in line for the perfect pumpkin.
2. When your alarm goes off, ask yourself what the hell you were thinking. It’s not like they’re going to run out of pumpkins. Snooze until ten.
3. Put on your newly purchased cute fall outfit: a flannel shirt, light wash jeans, suede boots from Costco, and a wide-brimmed felt hat from Temu that feels like an itchy vice around your head.
4. Look up a video for how to French braid your hair. How hard can it be to look exactly like Taylor Swift on the Evermore album cover?
5. Fifteen sweaty minutes later, examine your handiwork while you shake out a cramp. Your hair should look like an abandoned opossum den.
6. Look at the time and panic. Time to hit the road. You don’t want to miss your perfect pumpkin, and you still have to stop for fall-themed coffee.
7. Pull into the Starbucks drive-thru. There should be fourteen cars ahead of you. Put your car in reverse to bail on this just as another car pulls in behind you. You are now stuck. Take a deep breath, and remember there are lots of pumpkins. You’ll be fine!