Prior to my adventure, I am assigned a primitive survival rating (PSR) by a team of experts. I have never been camping or hunting, and if I have to pee while hiking, I will turn around and drive forty-five minutes into town to a public restroom. Even so, I have combat skills and tenacity, as demonstrated by a recent fight at Ross Dress for Less over the last pair of irregular Levi’s in my size. I have been rated with a PSR of 1.01 out of 10.
As I am driven into the jungle to meet my partner, I pray that I made the right choice to spend hundreds of dollars on laser hair removal instead of outdoor survival classes. I meet my partner, Wolf, who has a PSR of 7.5, and who I am annoyed to discover is much more attractive than me. I ask the producers if a schlubbier man is available because shouldn’t they have done an attractiveness-matching thing if this is being televised?