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On the whole, I love my job writing holiday gift guides. I get to curate beautiful lists designed to help you, the consumer, bring joy to your loved ones. According to data from my affiliate links, you have been receptive to most of my suggestions, from cashmere gloves to fancy olive oil. That’s great and all, but I don’t feel satisfied. When will you slobs get on board and start buying backgammon sets?
A good backgammon set is the perfect gift, which is why they keep showing up on my gift guide lists year after year, no matter how rarely they actually get purchased. As long as the gift recipient has an entire extra room in their house with a game table (preferably hand-carved, and seventy-four centimeters in height) that isn’t occupied by any other objects, then a backgammon set will fit seamlessly into their life. Any reasonable person would be delighted to receive a backgammon set and would surely take the time to learn the rules, find a willing opponent, and set aside weekly, if not daily, time to enjoy this new hobby. The only question is, which color set to buy them…? (The answer is black and teal. Always black and teal.)
In Ontario, Canada:
Across all ages, admissions are 6 standard deviations above the seasonal average. But we've grown accustomed to disease, to living our lives with complete disregard for reality and for what living in society means, at the most rudimentary level. https://t.co/h0aTP8xAeg pic.twitter.com/zEsOtBuaal
— Diego Bassani, PhD (@DGBassani) December 1, 2023
To help celebrate our twenty-fifth year of being on the information superhighway, we have reached out to some of our former columnists for check-ins and updates. Today’s featured columnist, Susan Schorn, is a former Column Contest winner. She wrote sixty-one essays of Bitchslap, her column about women’s rights and self-defense, from 2009 to 2015. We’re pleased to have her back on our pages with her sixty-second installment.
Bitchslap debuted in 2009 as “a column about women and fighting,” because they say write what you know, and what I knew was that I always seemed to be fighting—for safety, or autonomy, or simply to not be pushed around—and most of those fights were related to my identity as a woman. The column’s premise was apparently novel enough to sustain an audience: that fighting is not without its costs, but it works surprisingly well against bullies, and even when it doesn’t work, it’s preferable to helplessness. Sometimes it’s even fun.
1. “Go back to sleep, let me drive, let me think, let me figure it out.”
2. “I can’t get around the river in front of me.”
3. “I don’t know, the cookies make me nervous.”
4. “I’m so sorry, but the motorcade will have to go around me this time.”
5. “Why did you listen to that man? That man’s a balloon.”
6. “Karen, I know where we are and where we’re going to be. How can you trust this stupid app more than you can trust me?”
7. “I’d rather walk all the way home right now than to spend one more second in this place.”
8. “So blame it on me. I really don’t care.”
9. “Turn off the light. I don’t want to die tonight.”
10. “It’s half your fault so half forgive me.”
11. “Stop backseat driving for once in your life.”
12. “I used to be carried in the arms of cheerleaders.”
13. “Can’t you find a way? You are in this too.”