In this column, professional speechwriter Chandler Dean provides partly satirical, partly genuine “How To” advice focused on a hyper-specific subcategory of speeches—from graduation speeches to wedding toasts to eulogies and all the rhetorical occasions in between.
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Congratulations! You’ve been asked to speak in front of everyone you know, plus a bunch of people you don’t.
Maybe you were chosen because you earned the highest GPA in your graduating class. After all, everyone knows that the best public speakers are the ones who can calculate the Riemann sum of a closed interval in accordance with the trapezoidal rule.
Or perhaps you’re getting up there because you were nominated by a teacher or administrator who sees in you that most inspiring of oratorical qualities: harmlessness.
Either way, your peers had absolutely nothing to do with your selection, and now they’re your audience. So here’s how you can win them over, crush your speech, and maybe even make some friends for the next three months before everyone moves away forever.