Dear members of the University community,
The University administration respects all student protests, just not this one. Students have fought for many important causes over the years, and their right to protest is sacrosanct. In this case, however, we must arrest and slander them.
We will not look back and regret this decision. Although we were wrong about not admitting women, abolitioning racial quotas, US involvement in Vietnam, and divesting from apartheid South Africa, we are confident that this time is different.
Rules are rules, and the rules never change.
Past protests inspired the very assets that make our school great. When students marched for wheelchair-accessible buildings, we called the cops and threatened to expel them. Today, we brag about our ADA-compliant dorms on every campus tour.
Those brave students are part of the fabric of our community. And now that they are gone, we can happily assimilate them into our PR strategy.