Capricorn
Spring has sprung, and flowers are blooming. In fact, everyone everywhere is blooming except for you, dear Capricorn. Dry, parched days lay ahead, so this month is the perfect time to join a local knitting circle or Wiccan cooking class. Or any other group that would never be described as “dewy.”
Aquarius
If you choose to be happy, happy you will be. Just not any time soon because you’re a woman over forty. Is this new anger because of hormones or because your moon is rising? Or from some other planetary shit we astrologers make up after knocking back a few mojitos? No idea. You’re just going to be really pissed off for a while.
Pisces
Your natural tendency to be adventurous has been derailed now that your time of the month no longer uses a calendar and just comes and goes as it damn pleases. But don’t let your inability to confidently wear white pants keep you from traveling, dear one. You can probably make it to the nearest Piggly Wiggly and back for a tub of mint chip.