Here’s how this is gonna go: First, you will step up to the rental counter only when I give you The Look. The Look is not markedly different from my resting face. In fact, it’s no different at all. But it’s your job to recognize The Look, so pay attention. If, upon your turn, you hesitate for one single second, I will call out “Next,” in a way that strikes fear into the hearts of God, everyone in line behind you, and this cardboard cutout of Hertz brand ambassador Tom Brady.
When you get to the counter, do not ask how I’m doing—I’m stuck inside a Hertz location for eight hours a day. How do you think I’m doing?
What you do need to do is give me your driver’s license and credit card within the first three seconds of approaching the counter. This is not something I’ll ask you verbally. This is something you must understand innately, while I stare at my computer and hold out my hand just enough to suggest I might be waiting for something, but not enough to make it clear what I’m waiting for. And I swear to god, if you start reading me your reservation number out loud, I will shut you down and send you out of here on a bicycle.