1. You own music in so many formats that your collection could be housed in an audio museum.
2. Back in your day, people feared measles more than the vaccine that prevents it.
3. You were too young to go to the first Woodstock and too old to deal with Woodstock ’99.
4. You’ve lived through several waves of feminism, and they’ve culminated in two women who were among the most qualified candidates in US presidential history losing to the same misogynistic con artist.
5. You remember when even the cheapest chocolate candy bars actually tasted like chocolate.
6. The “millennial whoop” sets your teeth on edge—and at your age, you can’t afford to lose any more enamel.
7. You are on more medications than your eighty-nine-year-old mother, whose suspicions during your teen years that you were on drugs have finally panned out.
8. The lyric “I want to fuck you like an animal” hits differently when you realize that Trent Reznor, like you, is turning sixty.
9. A hill you will die on is that Doug Emhoff is smoking hot. Maybe not “Michael Hutchence in the 1980s” hot, but close.